Stage 4 bowel cancer

matilda

Selfish family member...

Hi, everyone. Have not write here for a while.. but have been extramelly busy with everything. Hubby is on last 4th cycle of chemo..waiting for letter from hospital about first scans with big hope and prayers that something good is happening there. He have start feel better and it gives lot of hope. Anyway, have been busy to take care about boys..school, had some viruses (nothing serious)..sorting out finansial things..benefits..sick pays.. And between all that there is one very close, but selfish family member..my hubbys sister. I don't know if this is right place where to ask for advice..but will try to explaine shortly. She have always been very jelous and couldn't accept me at the begining at all. Whatever how hard I try there have always been lot of critisim, comments..And with the years I Kind of learn to not hear that side of her at all, because like everybody around said she is just the way she are, nothing personal. Last couple of years relationship turned really easy and I could say open and close. I was so happy. Since hubbys diagnose there is lot of pressure from her how she is suffering.. how terrible this all.. My hubby even decide to not talk with her for some moments when he felt really bad, because there was all the time: me, me, me...and lot of negative stories. And after those talks he felt really down. I Kind a feel sorry for her and tried to explaine and calm down. But she never ever asked how I felt personally. Just lot of advices how to feed him etc.. So, the worse happened, when I accidentaly found out from relatives that behind our back there is lot of negative stories going are..that she is blaming me that hubby has a cancer etc. I was in shock, but decide to write her letter how hurtful it is, and exactly at this time of our lives, and asked to don't talk such a terrible things around, stop blaming..focus on positive things and pray. But she decide that it's not enough serious time to at least apologies but actually started to keep blaming me, calling even me mean names. I didn't replay her in the way she did..exactly opposite.. I said that I really feel sorry for her, that even now she can't forget about herself for a moment and help her brother and his family. And blocked her in contacts as I don't need negativity in my life at the moment.. Need this energy for my hubby and family..even if she is so close. Situation is actually extramelly terrible, because my hubby knows her and her complicated character..but this time on his life wants support and peace more then ever. We just can't afford dramas in our life..And since his diagnose those kind of dramas in our eyes are so pathetic. Still can't get it..why and why this all right now..when it's so important exactly from family get this positivity and strenght, and support and stay close !

jj

@matilda
So sorry you are having to deal with such a negative and selfish person. The best thing you have done is to block her. Let her stay away. You are perfectly right to say that it’s positivity and support you need. So don’t waste your energy with such people. Be proud of yourself for being able to handle all that is happening and still being strong for your husband and children. That’s true character.
There are enough of us here to give you support and positivity.
Jane

stu

Hi ,
Just want to say that I get just how difficult it is for you to even draw a boundary for this person when it’s outwith your natural inclusive nature and cuts the grain on how you should treat relatives .
My mum was lying in Intensive care given a one in five chance to survive . I got a text from my S I L saying I had not done enough for my MIL ‘s birthday ( who was not in the country ) !!! Then I was invited to leave the family the next day . I was hurt beyond belief that they could not hold off at least for a week . She was always difficult and always about her . I have never seen her since .
I still feel bad about that as it’s not my natural setting .
I stepped back from my husband’s family but encourage him to visit and keep his relationship . I am also known to slip some money to my sons to visit with their dad . I feel for him !
As I said she was always difficult and fully endorsed by her parents . If I am really truthful I enjoy the peace and pressure relief of not having to deal with them . However it’s not something I am overly comfortable with but it’s only one example of many and I realised after twenty years there would just be more of it in my future . It was draining .
Sometimes you have to select your own health and peacefully withdraw . Wish them well in their lives and hope for the best for them but protect your own wellbeing . As you can see I only need to talk about it and the unreasonable aspects surface .
I recently heard my husband say to someone who was surprised I did not see them “ yes but you have no idea what she has had to endure .”
What pleases me is he still sees his parents . At least that survived .
Thinking of you and know it’s an unreasonable pressure from an unreasonable person and it did not need to be that way .
Lynn

matilda

@stu @jj just can't believe...whats wrong with humans 😪 Such a egoism...
@Calleyh Love your post... googled and perfectly just like my sister in law! Now she have made herself a victim, she have deleted me and all my family in social medias.. (I blocked her just in whats up for a while) So I guess, for her it's all about her again.
@greyhound gal @Sasa Thanks for your Kind support.. ❤ I really try to focus to my family.. had a talk with my psychologist yesterday as I started blame myself for that, maybe I should not tell her anything and leave it in myself..so here wouldnt be this all drama..as I feel so sorry for my husband. But I had really good advice and explanation, that I did right thing..and the best I can do is just not contact at all with her for a while. My hubby actually is very calm with this all, he said..we just need to close this door for a moment..and focus to our family.

Calleyh
Quote from @matilda:
@stu @jj just can't believe...whats wrong with humans 😪 Such a egoism...
@Calleyh Love your post... googled and perfectly just like my sister in law! Now she have made herself a victim, she have deleted me and all my family in social medias.. (I blocked her just in whats up for a while) So I guess, for her it's all about her again.
@greyhound gal @Sasa Thanks for your Kind support.. ❤ I really try to focus to my family.. had a talk with my psychologist yesterday as I started blame myself for that, maybe I should not tell her anything and leave it in myself..so here wouldnt be this all drama..as I feel so sorry for my husband. But I had really good advice and explanation, that I did right thing..and the best I can do is just not contact at all with her for a while. My hubby actually is very calm with this all, he said..we just need to close this door for a moment..and focus to our family.

@matilda Glad my suggestion was spot on. I spent years trying to placate and made myself miserable. As I said, you may as well talk to a brick wall. Hope you can be more at peace with yourself. Big hugs.

matilda

@Calleyh To be honest I am trying to learn a lot from this all nightmare too.. I have suffered a lot from her..exspecially at the beggining of our relationships, but I though and was sure its done, we are getting older, smarter, .. My husband is amazing actually with this drama.. maybe he could see things different now. And he said the same, there is no sense to talk to a brick wall, because at the moment this is how it is. I WILL get that peace back again, I know...with every day I start to feel better and better...and have to admit I kind a feel lighter...maybe because here is no more calls with lot of negative stories and teaching how to feed him and crying that nobody suffers the way she does.

Ninatoo

@matilda I can relate to your story. When I was diagnosed I was very reluctant to tell my mother because I knew she would make it 'all about her'. Well at first she seemed supportive but not ten minutes into the conversation she said "Why does this stuff always happen to me?" As I was expecting it, based on her past behaviours, it was not a shock, but what a thing for a mother to say to their daughter! I replied "Mum, that isn't very helpful to me." She replied grumpily "Well I'm just telling you how I feel!" I then repeated my statement, though a little differently "Mum, that isn't very helpful to ME." And wonder of wonders she stopped! I am sorry your SIL was not able to do that for you.

matilda

@Ninatoo
"Why does this stuff always happen to me?"
"I'm just telling you how I feel!" EXACTLY the same phrases I had to deal in almoust every single phone call. "You have to understand how I feel, how hard it is for me, nobody wants to understand that..." All about herself. The worse that she did that even with my husband and was very upset when he got angry and asked to stop it, because she doesn't help him at all with this aditude. I am really happy that for your mum it helped..👍 Have no idea whats next in our story..But more and more I don't care, just have to get over it, how can someone be so selfish in moment like this. I told my husband yesterday, if there could be one little: sorry, I wasn't mean like that. Everything would change, and I could even forgot about all other stuff she have done...because this is simply not the right time...but looks like this is mission imposible for her..even now. And this is not about us, it's about her own little demons she have not learn to deal with years...because there is constantly dramas and fights then with friends, then relatives. I know..I keep talking about her again and again, but I will try let it go. 😊
Thanks for your support. ❤

greyhound gal

You’re right @matilda, you really must try to let it go about her! But it’s like an itch that you can’t reach to scratch!!!
Concentrate on your lovely husband and boys, and look after yourself. We’re all here for you because we know you’re a wonderful person :x::x::x::x:

matilda

@greyhound gal made me emotional 😪🤗❤ thank you! Have a sunny and wonderful time yourself too. Big hugs 😘

Baxter2

Hi @matilda

I'd echo what @greyhound gal has said..........

Life is way too short for such negativity. Sadly there are many people just like your SIL and many who have to live with the damage they cause.

Concentrate on you, hubby and the boys and you won't go far wrong.

Lots of love

Karen💜💚❤️💙💛

matilda

@Baxter2 Thanks..❤ I will!
Big hugs 🌼🌻😘

Sasa

Hi @matilda sounds like you have had lots of great advice and support on here - most of us have issues with family members to navigate sadly - cancer does that to loved ones sadly.

Just remember you can never change her, only accept her for who she is today. If no one “understands” her, it sounds very likely she speaks in a tongue that no one is able to understand! Namely “me,myself, l” life must be unbearable for her if she has to live it like that. Poor thing!

I love the saying “if you keep running into people you’re going the wrong way!” This sounds like her!

I do, so feel for you, this bloody cancer thing is hard enough without all this added to it. Take care of yourself my love

Sarah :x:

greyhound gal

Dearest @matilda, although I don’t always post on your threads, I always read them. Your warmth shines through and always lifts me :x::x::x:
Keep on going sweetie ❤️😘:x::x:

island girl

@matilda, hope you are feeling brighter today, you are an amazing, strong, brave & wonderful person, remember that today, big hugs 🤗 :x::x::x:

matilda

@Sasa
"Namely “me,myself, l” life must be unbearable for her if she has to live it like that. Poor thing!"
I do tell the same to my husband, that I kind a feel sorry for her, because it's should be extramelly hard to live like that and she is 45. She just gave birth to her first born last year and we really though that after baby something will change, actually got worse. But if she doesn't want to or not even able to change something in this all, thats only her responsability.
"Maybe this is a time when your hubby needs to set some boundaries with her, as there will come a time when you just won’t cope with her." Thats what my husband wants to do finally..But when he will feel better and as he knows her for best, will give her a time to calm down..other wise will be talking with wall. But this so terrible he should have a talk like this at this moment at all. Sometimes I get very angry to this selfish narcissistic queen 😤 Acting like a teenager..even worse.

@greyhound gal You are making my eyes wet today... Thank you. 😪🤗 I'm sceared to tell this all to my mum even...because she already feels through chats that something is wrong with me..she will be very angry, because she already know her. Really miss my mum sometimes, maybe because of that feeling if someone hurts so much, that kid inside of me wakes up..if You know what I mean...oh..my..got so emotional..........

@island girl Thank you so much.. I actually woke up in really good mood.. My husband is very happy when I am like that, because he is the first one who see and appreciate my hard work.❤

Hans

@matilda just to give you and yours a big hug - you deserve it = I don't know why life is hard some times: Just keep your family and hubby close and smiling.
I am sending you a virtual bunch of Spring Flowers to cheer you.
xx Hans

jj

@matilda
See you are already feeling lighter without that burden and you are smiling, and so is your husband. That’s the best feeling in the world. So just carry on, don’t feel guilty for cutting her out of your life, you had no choice.
@Ninatoo so glad you got your mother to stop thinking this was all about her. My mum was like that and I had to get tough with her and say that bad things happen to lots of people everyday, you are not the only one. So get over it and stop moaning. Had to re-enforce it for a few times. But it did get through. I miss her, even her negativity, even though I lost her almost 7 years ago. Yes sometimes you just want your mum to say, it will be alright!
@stu just carry on with your life. You are managing the situation as best as you can and it seems to be working fine for you.
No sincere person wants to cut their close ones off from their lives, but when the chips are down and they are not willing to be supportive and help, its better to be away from them so that life will be less stressful for you and yours. Guilt should not weigh us down, so get rid of it.
Take care of yourself first. No one can take care of your health, so put your health especially your mental well being.
Regards
Jane

tonibates1

@matilda,
hello and sorry for all this not needed drama. Steve and I face this in a similar fashion, but do you know what, we have decided that the people who are in our lives now are the ones who are important. We have 4 children and one of the boys who is married with two of our wonderful grandchildren, decided on hearing about his dads diagnosis that he didn't want the boys around their POP POP (Steve's known as this by the babies) so for the past 2 and a half years we have been stopped from being a part of their lives. It acutally hurt more than any form of chemo he has been put through. However, we hear from other people that the boys are well and happy so that's all we can ask for. Maybe one day we will get to be a part of their lives once more, but Steves health and wellbeing takes up all our energy, PLUS, our daughter is having a baby in July, so this has given us new hope and Steve goes to all maternity appointments and is so involved. This little baby is a blessing and sometimes I don't even give my second son a thought. He wasn't bought up to be such a selfish person and its sad but not the end of the world. Ask anyone on here, life if for the people who want to make the most of everything so people who want to cause us misery and sadness can GO JUMP! All the very best to you and your hubby. Big hugs from us both. :x::x:

matilda

@Hans Thanks for your support ☀️🙏🌼
Recently waiting for first scans ..tomorrow hubby has appoitment with our oncologist and probably find out more whats next in treatment.
@jj Thanks, actually those days helped a lot..don't feel anymore guilty or something..because I kind a see my hubby feel lighter without her calls. I don't want to be like that forever of course, but looks like this is the best for us and hopefully for herself too..so she could finally realise how shes dealing with people around her. She have texted couple of times to hubby..but he is not ready to contact with her yet. We are enjoying family time and sunny days in our garden, and praying for good results. 🙏☀️
@tonibates1 Honestly, was in tears to read your story. Whats wrong with us -humans.. Exactly in moments when we have to be closer to each other, we are moving apart and the reasons are so stupid and selfish. I really hope and wish you all the best that some day in future they will realise how selfish it is..and you will be a part of their lives again. Focus to your daughters baby 💜 Thanks for your support and all the best for you both too 💚☀️🌼

tonibates1

@matilda thank you for your lovely words. Maybe one day we will reunite, but just focussing on Steve and our new little grandson to be. Will let you know when he arrives. Bless you :x::x::x: