Relatives and friends

lozza

Mum's diagnosis- how do you cope?

Hi guys,

Newbie here to the forums, my mum actually told me about (she told me not to google stuff and the only place I am allowed to look is here!)

Soooooo my mum told me the dreaded news at the beginning of July, she actually put it off for 2 weeks as she knew how emotional I was (completely true). I freaked out at the mention of the C word! It seemed fairly positive, she was to start 5 or so weeks of radiotherapy and then have a scan and hopefully operate.

Throughout that time it didn't really feel real and I supposed I glossed over it. She then had another scan which she got the results back on the 22nd. So she now has liaisons on her liver which weren't there 6 months ago, one of which ix suspicious of metastases ( I still don't know what that is!)

She has 2 options, one is to offer surgery for her rectum but it may well be palliative and then it would have to be followed by liver resection but it does warn that it may take up a significant part of her projected life expectancy. Or, the alternative is to go straight for palliative treatment in the form of chemo but it won't be curative but they will then reassess the situation in time. She has decided to go for the chemo option.

Now, perhaps I was innocently ignoring it all before but this news has come crashing down emotionally on me. The reality of the situation is finally becoming real.

My question is, how do you guys cope?

I am trying to stay strong for my mum, but it is so hard, I can't speak to her without getting teary and emotional and I know it is incredibly hard for her as she obviously is worried about me in the long run.

Work has been amazing, but it is the constant random upsetness that gets me, people ask how you are and you just break! Or you have a nice evening out with friends and then go home and cry yourself to sleep... How do you keep strong for your loved one?

Hugs for everyone :x::x::x:

Daffodil

Dear @lozza , welcome to the forum. Your mum sounds amazing!
First of all let me say that crying and feeling overwhelmed is perfectly normal for ALL of us here. I think if you can get more information you might begin to understand more about your mums options. Try the booklet on this site about treating mestases (these are tumours that grow at another site in the body, more usually liver or lung, but are still bowel cancer).
And try to remember that lots of people have had very good results treating liver mets ( it's such a long word otherwise!) with chemo.
Otherwise all we do is take one day at a time, baby steps, don't look ahead just cope with what is happening now.
Keep in touch, love and hugs. :x::x:

Baxter2

Hi @lozza and a very warm welcome to the forum.

@Daffodil has already offered good advice and all I can really add is to stick with us as we’re a friendly, supportive and knowledgable bunch and perhaps consider joining the relative to relative group if you like?

Sending all my very best wishes,

K ????❤️

Lexi

Dear @lozza I can really relate to how you are feeling, I would say that the first 10-12 weeks was the most emotional experience that I have ever experienced, like you I only had to touch my husband and I would feel tidal wave of sadness so intense, I was fine at work as long as no one asked how I was, but I also suffered with guilt because I needed to work so I could try and bring some kind of normality to our home!
Well with the support on this forum, sounding off and reading about other people's situation has really helped us through the grieving process of entering the unknown world we are now navigating, it is ok to feel sad, angry, resentful and to try and have snippets of time relating to the before Cancer came along!
Do it your way! and be kind to
yourself x
Best regards Lexi

Lady GT

Hello and welcome from me too @lozza .
What you are describing is a VERY common way for the relative of a cancer patient to feel. That whole notion of trying to be strong while you are falling apart with fear and sadness is well known to a lot of us.
As others have said, joining this forum is a fantastic first step for you in coping with this. You'll find lots of people who totally 'get it' and that can be such a huge help.
You might be interested in joining our Relative to Relative section, where we carers go to download, vent, celebrate and just be generally open about how it is for us.
(We actually seem to spend a lot of time sipping alcohol around the kitchen table too!)

This is a very scary and emotional time for you, in a different way from how it is for your Mum. That's okay, you'll find your own way of coping and we'll all be here to help you.
:x:

GD62

Hello @Iozza

We cope because we have to cope, and the question is why? Basically you are on your own and it is up to the person affected to get a strategy to cope, which can involve getting support from friends and family, but others have their own problems and lives to live too. So it can be a difficult conundrum at times.

My advice is get on with it as best you can, face up to the various outcomes and get a strategy to deal with it. Also, some of us get on with life like anyone else, working, holding down jobs, paying bills.

I don't think it's rocket science you have to be single minded and keep it together, and be prepared to have contingency plans for your down times too.

Cheers :x:

lozza

Thanks for your responses @Daffodil @Baxter2 @Lexi @Lady GT @GD1962.

It's nice (even if it's very morbid) that there are people out there who have experienced the same thing. For me it feels like a very lonely place and that no one else could have felt the pain I have, but obviously other people have and it feels good to connect to other people with similar experiences.

I went to a Maggie centre yesterday, I really recommend! They make a super cup of tea, and it's nice to know that there is a place that is removed from your personal situation but is so relevant at the same time.

Back at work today after being given the day off yesterday, quite a few tears but a lot of support! My appetite has gone so I am making myself eat half of a bacon sandwich that someone bought me!

Hugs

:x::x::x:

Baxter2

Hi @lozza

Glad to hear you’re feeling a little bit better today and able to get back to work.

It’s also good that you have a Maggies centre locally and have popped in for a cuppa. I went to my local one yesterday for a yoga session and really enjoyed it. It’s been 18 months since I was there as I’ve been too busy having and recovering from surgery and living!!

Take care and hope you keep in touch!

Best wishes,

K ????❤️