Since the heart attack and cancer diagnosis Des has not been able to leave the house we live in a very high up area and snow although cleared up now stuck around for a few days.
As we always did things together including dog walks , shopping and other outdoor activities it has become apparent how much I miss him- doing the simple things in life that are so important to us.
I admit there are days and times I do not want to go out-I further confess that I am scared to bump into certain neighbours and acquaintances as I do not want to be questioned as to the wellbeing of Des as I fear I may break down into tears and I would not handle such encounters well
I have also noticed some folk try to dodge me and pretend they do not see me, even although I and Des have known them for some years.
In a way I feel relieved about this as I feel I would be put on the SPOT and again would not cope well being questioned.
There are others I dread meeting because I know they would want to know ALL the ins and outs every last detail as to how Des is and what a shock it must be as he kept himself so fit for a heart attack to have hit him and then his cancer diagnosis.
Some closer friends have stayed away as have some family -I ask myself how sad is that.
A neighbour came to visit Des and he was truly glad to see her and they both shed a tear or two during her visit.
I know I must be more ready to meet with people and just take it on the chin-DES has done nothing wrong he does not have a contagious disease -he can still talk and has a mind that is quite focused and sharp.
Next week he should be able to start driving again and has said he is looking forward to sitting behind the wheel again as its a freedom he cherishes being able to hit the road.
I feel I should have be more willing to engage with others even those that are just curious and nosey but I did not as that was my protection.
I have been rising early, doing cleaning, ironing and other things all in order to get ALFIE-BOE out for his first walk early limiting the chance of bumping into any one-HOW SAD IS THAT-OR HOW SAD AM I?
I do not want to feel like this and I have not discussed this in much detail with Des but I feel I have to as he is questioning some of my out of character actions that he homed into.
Just thought I would mention these things and to see it on paper -so as to speak.