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General Discussion



Since the heart attack and cancer diagnosis Des has not been able to leave the house we live in a very high up area and snow although cleared up now stuck around for a few days.
As we always did things together including dog walks , shopping and other outdoor activities it has become apparent how much I miss him- doing the simple things in life that are so important to us.
I admit there are days and times I do not want to go out-I further confess that I am scared to bump into certain neighbours and acquaintances as I do not want to be questioned as to the wellbeing of Des as I fear I may break down into tears and I would not handle such encounters well
I have also noticed some folk try to dodge me and pretend they do not see me, even although I and Des have known them for some years.
In a way I feel relieved about this as I feel I would be put on the SPOT and again would not cope well being questioned.
There are others I dread meeting because I know they would want to know ALL the ins and outs every last detail as to how Des is and what a shock it must be as he kept himself so fit for a heart attack to have hit him and then his cancer diagnosis.
Some closer friends have stayed away as have some family -I ask myself how sad is that.
A neighbour came to visit Des and he was truly glad to see her and they both shed a tear or two during her visit.
I know I must be more ready to meet with people and just take it on the chin-DES has done nothing wrong he does not have a contagious disease -he can still talk and has a mind that is quite focused and sharp.
Next week he should be able to start driving again and has said he is looking forward to sitting behind the wheel again as its a freedom he cherishes being able to hit the road.
I feel I should have be more willing to engage with others even those that are just curious and nosey but I did not as that was my protection.
I have been rising early, doing cleaning, ironing and other things all in order to get ALFIE-BOE out for his first walk early limiting the chance of bumping into any one-HOW SAD IS THAT-OR HOW SAD AM I?
I do not want to feel like this and I have not discussed this in much detail with Des but I feel I have to as he is questioning some of my out of character actions that he homed into.
Just thought I would mention these things and to see it on paper -so as to speak.


Hi @JAMESC.. Sending you a massive hug, you are doing an amazing job looking after Des. Some people just don’t know what to say. I’m sure someone will be along soon with some good advice :x::x:

Kathy L

@JAMESC... once we had a cancer diagnosis the change in relationships with friends changed no end and was interesting to say the least. I found that neighbours and aquiantences are far easier to talk too about what was going on than friends we had known a long while. They also give the best kind of support. Those who have had cancer experience are also much easier to talk too. They understand.
Friends were and still are supportive but seem compelled to be upbeat and try to act as nothing is wrong, and that everything will be okay even though I have been honest at what the future holds for us. Maybe the closeness makes things more difficult as after all they will lose a close friend too.
I'm not one to wear my heart on my sleeve and I prefer to keep somethings to myself so, I have a standard reply to " how's Paul doing" which is along the lines....."He's doing okay. No, no sickness, feels tired but getting on fine" I avoid telling folk of up coming scans, and how many more chemo sessions he has left. I don't want to have the pressure of giving news updates.
To be honest if we could have got away with not telling anyone we would have!
Cancer is bad enough, some like to talk about it, others like me and you don't. At least to all and sundry.
I also found that friends will wait until Paul is out of earshot and then ask me what's happening, how is he, what if I'm not emotionally involved and hurting. Paul is in fact better and more honest with talking about it all.
No right or wrong way with cancer. I feel I have to protect myself and I do.
Love to you both. Kathy :x::x:


I agree with chrissie- some people just don't know what to say. When we find out about mum, we didn't want to talk about it with the neighbours. Just talking about it could bring me to tears. I'm still coming to terms with what's happening with mum. Trying to stay strong for mum and try to take one day at a time is what I'm trying to do. As chrissie said, you are doing an amazing job :x::x:


Thanking you all very much for your warm thoughts and comments, again you have come to my rescue.
James and Des


You’re more than welcome @JAMESC.. sometimes it helps writing your feelings down :x::x:


Hi @JAMESC. once cancer comes through our door all our lives change. When I was diagnosed I had very good friends step back and people who I knew only to say hello to, stepped forward and became life lines to us. I live in a small village and became the talk of it for a while. Even the local pest control man asked me how I was when he came to get rid of a wasp nest!!! My husband found it difficult to talk to people. If he was asked how I was he’d also say ‘she’s ok’. He did breakdown at work once and started crying in front of his secretary. She then in turn started. I think he managed to get most of the office crying that day! He came home and said ‘I can’t believe I cried at work’ but I think it actually helped him and did him some good.
I’m not sure how long your partner has been diagnosed for, but it sounds like it’s still very early days for you both. These things do become easier with time. It sounds like you are doing a fab job keeping everything going and looking after Des but please make time to look after yourself too. Oh and I love the name of your dog. Much love :x::x::x:


You are not alone in the way you feel, I am just the same but have it easier in a way because my husband did/does not want anyone to know he has cancer. Apart for very close family no one has been told, he is self employed so lucky in a way and has managed to do some work since his op and through the start of his chemo. I on the other hand had to tell my work because of all the time I have taken of and still two months down the line can not actually talk face to face about it without fear of crying, only today I had to email my boss who I sit two seats from about time off because I could not face talking to him
Chris :x: :x: