Night time dreads and fears
Pity party alert! After chemo and steroids today I can't sleep and my mind feels as if there's a thunder and lightening storm going on inside, sleep eludes me and I'm feeling particularly sorry for myself so I'm hoping that by writing it down it helps.
I'm really tired of being brave, positive, upbeat and sometimes self delusional. I had enough of saying 'I'm fine' when at this moment in time I'm not.
My heart breaks when I look deep into my children's eyes, even though they're grown-up they'll always be my babies and seeing fear in them, I'm meant to love and protect them and this illness hurts the ones I love the most. How dare it!I know how lucky I am to have seen them grow up, to go to their graduations, to be at their weddings and to celebrate the arrival of my grandchildren but I'm only 59, I don't want to leave them. I've accepted my diagnosis but I'm not ready to accept any prognosis.
I well up with tears when I watch my darling grandchildren taking part in any everyday activity that a lot of grannies are able to take for granted. Every single minute of every event is so special to me, birthdays, nativity plays, school sports day, losing baby teeth, trips to the park and reading them a bedtime story that sometimes feelings of sadness overwhelm me and I cry on the inside. I want to shout to all the other grandparents to savour every moment whilst they don't have the fear of not being there for next years nativity, next years sports day or next years birthday that I have. There have been occasions when I have had to retreat to a toilet to shed a silent tear and then re-emerge without making a fuss.
I worry about my darling partner if I'm not here. We met only in 2012 and he is the most wonderful man. He lost his beloved wife to breast cancer in 2009 and now I have brought this cancer beast back into his life. When we met I was healthy, had a career and a 'joie de vivre' - now I don't. I love the very bones of him and the thought of him being on his own drives me to despair. One thing he said when he asked me to marry him was that he was so happy that he would never be on his own again, how will be cope on his own? I have asked him to not feel guilty about meeting somebody new if I'm not here, I just genuinely want him "not to be alone".
Those are my the fears and the sorrows that are playing havoc with my mind. If anyone has managed to get to the end of pity party then I apologise for its length, its negativity and my wallowing self pity. Tomorrow is another day and I'll just pop my masquerade happy mask back on. One of my fellow chemo buddies today greeted me as "hello smiler", well he wouldn't say that if he read this rant tonight would he? Nope.