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Robbo

Feeling lonely and apprehensive

Hi.
I have recently been diagnosed and since feel like i have a contagious disease. Most people who asked how i was before diagnosis have dropped of the map. My daughter hasnt said a word and 2 others have used the most ridiculous comparisons! I can appreciate people dont know what to say and just wondered if others had found the same. Feeling ready for the battle ahead with a TEO on the 12 nov. Trying to not think of possible side effects after opp and take each day as it comes.

bettebette

Hi @Robbo sorry to hear of your diagnosis. I am sure your experience isn’t that unusual, people respond in very strange ways, some seem frightened to say anything and others say very strange things (inappropriate very often!)
My brother hasn’t mentioned my cancer to this day (2.8 years!) and neither visited or messaged. The other odd thing was people who seemed cross with me for being ill, I put this down to fears of their own mortality.
My advice would be to hunker down, focus on what you need physically and emotionally for now and try not to worry about other people (difficult with your daughter I know)
Once you have got a treatment plan it will seem ‘better’ in as much as you can focus on each step; there are many people on here who will offer good and sensible advice (and a shoulder when you need one)
Sending you best wishes :x::x::x:

foster mum

@Robbo ,Hi and welcome. Sorry to hear your diagnosis. Everyone deals with the dreaded C differently. I was the one who it decided to live in and found that I wanted no one to know I had it and what I was going through except my husband, 2 grown up sons and 3 very old close friends who live nowhere near me. People seem to react in so many different ways and I felt the least people that knew about my diagnosis meant I could just plod on as near to normal as possible. Now I am NED, I found I could tell people what I had been through and I too got silly comments and some insensitive ones too! I guess at this point I was able to inwardly laugh at them! Try not to let their comments get to you. I’m sure your daughter will come around and maybe needs some time to digest it all. Once she sees the plan coming together she will probably feel better. The fear of the unknown is frightening . Best wishes and get those boxing gloves on!

kdan

@Robbo Sorry to hear your cancer news & well done for finding this place.

A common theme I've found among cancer patients is our observation of the behaviour of some ppl who are "close" to us, beit family, friends, groups, etc.

People show they care in different ways & then there are a few who you have to Assume care despite there being no evidence of it -because frankly you don't see or hear from them.

Then you have people really badly informed giving you advice

People who think treatment is a tick-the-box exercise & you'll be fine (move along! Nothing to see here)

People offering alternative medicine and health advice.

Busy bodies outstaying welcome

My own experience is those who I'd expect to have shown up & shown thru action that they gave a sh.t caused me a little pain to get over - but I moved on & know they manage things there one way. That's their business afterall.

Also my experience, certain ppl brought so much than could ever expect & people who treat you well when down & sick are the ones you want around you. Thank them.

Good luck

Robbo
Quote from @bettebette:
Hi @Robbo sorry to hear of your diagnosis. I am sure your experience isn’t that unusual, people respond in very strange ways, some seem frightened to say anything and others say very strange things (inappropriate very often!)
My brother hasn’t mentioned my cancer to this day (2.8 years!) and neither visited or messaged. The other odd thing was people who seemed cross with me for being ill, I put this down to fears of their own mortality.
My advice would be to hunker down, focus on what you need physically and emotionally for now and try not to worry about other people (difficult with your daughter I know)
Once you have got a treatment plan it will seem ‘better’ in as much as you can focus on each step; there are many people on here who will offer good and sensible advice (and a shoulder when you need one)
Sending you best wishes

Thankyou for your kind words. X

Quote from @foster mum:
@Robbo ,Hi and welcome. Sorry to hear your diagnosis. Everyone deals with the dreaded C differently. I was the one who it decided to live in and found that I wanted no one to know I had it and what I was going through except my husband, 2 grown up sons and 3 very old close friends who live nowhere near me. People seem to react in so many different ways and I felt the least people that knew about my diagnosis meant I could just plod on as near to normal as possible. Now I am NED, I found I could tell people what I had been through and I too got silly comments and some insensitive ones too! I guess at this point I was able to inwardly laugh at them! Try not to let their comments get to you. I’m sure your daughter will come around and maybe needs some time to digest it all. Once she sees the plan coming together she will probably feel better. The fear of the unknown is frightening . Best wishes and get those boxing gloves on!

Thanks, all takes a while to get used to. Ready for the battle.

Robbo
Quote from @kdan:
@Robbo Sorry to hear your cancer news & well done for finding this place.

A common theme I've found among cancer patients is our observation of the behaviour of some ppl who are "close" to us, beit family, friends, groups, etc.

People show they care in different ways & then there are a few who you have to Assume care despite there being no evidence of it -because frankly you don't see or hear from them.

Then you have people really badly informed giving you advice

People who think treatment is a tick-the-box exercise & you'll be fine (move along! Nothing to see here)

People offering alternative medicine and health advice.

Busy bodies outstaying welcome

My own experience is those who I'd expect to have shown up & shown thru action that they gave a sh.t caused me a little pain to get over - but I moved on & know they manage things there one way. That's their business afterall.

Also my experience, certain ppl brought so much than could ever expect & people who treat you well when down & sick are the ones you want around you. Thank them.

Good luck

Thankyou.

Lirio345

Good morning @Robbo, welcome to the Forum. I am very sorry to hear of your diagnosis, but also sorry to hear how you are feeling. As others have said it is common for folk around you to react in a number of ways, some of which unfortunately, can be hurtful.

The great thing about this forum is that people on here really do understand, - most of us have been through it or are going through it. You can ask anything and 99% of the time someone will be able to help.

I wonder whether it would help to write something for your daughter to read. There could be many reasons for her behaviour including of course fear and denial. There is a closed section on here called ‘Relative to Relative’ ( see under topics) that might be of interest to her at same stage. This gives carers and relatives a supportive and private space to chat with others who understand.

I have included a link below to one of the Charity’s publications about surgery - there’s some really useful information about surgery, including a suggested list of what to take with you into hospital.

bowelcancerorguk.s3.amazonaws.com/...s/YourOperation_BowelCancerUK.pdf

We are here for you so please take very good care and stay in touch, Kim :x::x:

Poppies

Hi @Robbo welcome to the forum, it can feel such a lonely place at first, but you have found the place where everyone gets it.
it's still a subject that some people struggle to talk about. Someone said to me the other day "my dad never talked about it" and I guess they were waiting for him to take the lead.

You will find your close friends at this time, it's a big shock to you and everyone and I am sure your daughter doesn't know what to do for the best. The more you talk, perhaps the easier it will become for others to talk about it.

However you are feeling, your forumites will be here for you. Px

Gypsy

Hi @Robbo, hugs from me too! I'm so sorry that you feel lonely and have not received what you might have wished for from those close to you. I too think that people often don't know what to say and I agree with what @Poppies has just said. But at least you are not alone on here and thinking of you now and wishing you well for the 12th.
There have been some good tips given on previous threads for 'what you would take into hospital' so feel free to ask if you need to. You can do this and yes, get rid of the B once and for all! Gypsyx

Baxter2

Good morning @Robbo and welcome to the forum from me too! I'm sure you're already fining this a safe, supportive and friendly place! Thank you for your lovely message.....it was so kind. 😘

Well there's of course the saying, "There's nowt as queer as folk" and boy oh boy this is true especially going through a cancer diagnosis. On the whole, Ive had amazing support which continues to this day, from family, friends and ex colleagues but I do have a handful who have let me down because of their attitude and apparent lack of empathy. It could become a real issue and allow me to become bitter but I absolutely refuse to! I just ignore them now and have adjusted my Christmas card list accordingly! 😂😂😂

It sounds like you have a good attitude to the challenges ahead despite the few people who you could potentially allow to upset you. I guess you need to be patient with your daughter and try to find a way forward. There may be many reasons why she is not talking to you about it?

Anyway, have a good weekend and start your wee hospital list for stuff to pack! Not long now!

Lots of love and very best wishes

Karen 💜💙💚❤️💛

cyclingjohnny

Hi @Robbo sorry you are finding yourself on the forum,but as time moves on you will realise that this is an amazing place, everyone gets what you are going through, whatever questions you need to ask fire away and you will get great advice,friends that are not there when you need them, frankly you are better off without them,it has opened my eyes in the last 12 months to who I thought would stand up and who actually did, if you need any advice just ask, wishing you well, cheers John.

Robbo

I would like to thank you all for your kind words understanding and encouragement.

Floss07

I also found people's reactions varied. @Robbo My husband became excessively caring not allowing me to do things which was frustrating. My brother refused to acknowledge that news could be negative and that I was thinking about all possibilities at first - even bad ones. I also got the well.... You need to ask this, or do this... Kind of advice, other friends were gushingly sympathetic which I found hardest to cope with as I was hardly likely to break down in front of them. The person I talked to the most was a fellow dog walker who had had cancer many years ago and survived. He was blunt, humorous but also sympathetic but not in any overwhelming way. He offered no advice just listened. Currently I am awaiting an appointment to check out a lump elsewhere and have decided this time round to tell no one unless I have to. Here is a good place as you can share anxieties and ask questions, it's what you need I found. I hope it all goes well for you.

Robbo

Thanks

Calleyh

You’ve found this forum. Masses of support and empathy from people who REALLY understand! We’re here at all hours of the day and night and we can have a bit of a rant and we will understand.

I chose not to tell most people. I didn’t want to become “the older lady at 66 (then I little more than a whisper) ....she’s got cancer” because I didn’t want to be the disease, I just wanted to be me and be treated the same. Some people have so little going on in their lives that it’s almost like you’re their own local reality tv show. Insensitive or what! Then there’s the ones who go into a panic and start flapping about. These are the ones you don’t want.

However, because of the cancer I’ve met the most fabulous people. Some of them just appear like a fairy godmother like the one who lives near me and out of the blue offered a complete stranger (me) a lift to the radiotherapy daily sessions because she was going there too. Apart from the fact that she’s lovely I will forever appreciate what she did at a time when I needed help the most (read my bio for further info). Then there was the lady from an associated group to Macmillan. I’m no longer a “client” but as we got on so famously she got special permission to become friends after. Also there’s the people you come across at places like Maggies who restore your faith in human kindness and compassion.

I didn’t notice if you said where you live but it might be an idea to put the town where you live so that others can come out of the woodwork knowing there is a fellow sufferer nearby. Also I’ve made some superb contacts via Private Message on here and the kindness and support received from them has been worth its weight in gold.

Yes there are pratts around. Avoid where you can and feel sorry for them as they haven’t really developed into real grown ups.

Find your tribe....some of us are here in the forum and there are others outside just waiting to be found.

Robbo
Quote from @Calleyh:
You’ve found this forum. Masses of support and empathy from people who REALLY understand! We’re here at all hours of the day and night and we can have a bit of a rant and we will understand.

I chose not to tell most people. I didn’t want to become “the older lady at 66 (then I little more than a whisper) ....she’s got cancer” because I didn’t want to be the disease, I just wanted to be me and be treated the same. Some people have so little going on in their lives that it’s almost like you’re their own local reality tv show. Insensitive or what! Then there’s the ones who go into a panic and start flapping about. These are the ones you don’t want.

However, because of the cancer I’ve met the most fabulous people. Some of them just appear like a fairy godmother like the one who lives near me and out of the blue offered a complete stranger (me) a lift to the radiotherapy daily sessions because she was going there too. Apart from the fact that she’s lovely I will forever appreciate what she did at a time when I needed help the most (read my bio for further info). Then there was the lady from an associated group to Macmillan. I’m no longer a “client” but as we got on so famously she got special permission to become friends after. Also there’s the people you come across at places like Maggies who restore your faith in human kindness and compassion.

I didn’t notice if you said where you live but it might be an idea to put the town where you live so that others can come out of the woodwork knowing there is a fellow sufferer nearby. Also I’ve made some superb contacts via Private Message on here and the kindness and support received from them has been worth its weight in gold.

Yes there are pratts around. Avoid where you can and feel sorry for them as they haven’t really developed into real grown ups.

Find your tribe....some of us are here in the forum and there are others outside just waiting to be found.

Thankyou its all a bit of a shock at first.

DianeS

Hi @Robbo and welcome to our forum. So sorry you have joined us, but you will truly find our forum to be an amazing help and a comfort in many ways. A diagnosis of cancer is so hard, for yourself and others, and unfortunately we never know how friends/relatives are going to react. It’s time to concentrate on yourself, and try not to worry about others. It’s hard to believe right now, but somewhere along the line we accept our situation, and our determination kicks in. Staying strong is important, so Chanel all your strength back into yourself and try not to waste it on other people. Diane :x::x:

Clancy

Hi @Robbo, welcome to our lovely forum, it sounds as if we all have the same story to tell. People that we called long term friends “ghost us”and people who were just acquaintances become our Earth Angels. I learned this when my late husband was ill, so I decided to only tell my nearest and dearest and former employers.
I can understand how some people cannot handle the news that someone close to them has cancer, and they fear the worst, and don’t know what to say. Dig deep and find that self love, you will find it strangely comforting. Sending you my very best wishes.:x::x:

GD62

Hi @Robbo

Sorry to read about your diagnosis, and generally find people don't want to be bothered with sick people, even at church a 'friend' has n't even contacted me since my recurrence. And my former work colleague a muslim phones me from Manchester every week and we meet up for coffee, so much for fellow Christians.

I kept my recurrence deliberately quiet and it was several months before it got out, as I decided that I could not be bothered with the fuss. I decided just to stop work, cash all my pensions and insurance and take it easy and don't stress. Don't expect anything from anyone as most folk are wrapped up in their own stuff.

Good luck, stay positive as it's you and your very significant others that matter.

Hugs :x::x::x: